It's mid-year and I have one blog to show for in 2009. Ok shoot me. The year has come and is almost getting towards its curtain call and I have had so many things on my mind, so much in fact that I don't even know where to start and whether I should just forget about it and not send it off to the black hole that is the world wide web. A few french fries and lots of mayo-chup (mayonaise mixed with ketchup to dip oily fries in)later, I found my oily and still potato and oild smelling fingers on my desktop PC, opening my Blogger account and viola, here we are!
So what to share with you, oh 34 inches of glowing, hot, monitor as you stare back each letter that I type?
First is that I celebrated Father's Day realising that I have no more dad, save for my father-in-law of course. My biological father died in 1987 and my adopted father passed on in 2005 and yet it took me another four years to realise that both are no longer with the living. It sent me into a bit of depression last weekend as I remember the man who made me and the man who nurtured me. I may have the genes of Tom (pronounced as Th-hom!) but surely I have many of Nonong's idiosyncracies: his tastes in books, films, even food. I may have been the product of the former but much in me has really been a creation of the latter. I miss having a father.
I may be old (oldER really!) but I would have wanted the wisdom of one who has gone down the road I am travelling with well-earned battle scars gained from the many challenges he has taken on and surpassed in life. Raising kids, moving homes, taking a new job, starting a business, resolving family conflicts, being strong for everyone if only for show. And yet taking each day like a plain, white canvas, ready for whatever design or pattern it will contain; singing along with Frank Sinatra or Tom Jones for the nth time like he is memorising the songs for a show; driving, just driving to discover what lies beyond the comfortable boundaries that we know and delve into the unknown.
I used to resent my fathers. I looked down on one for the life he chose and for abandoning his responsibilities of parenthood on me and my siblings. I resented the other for not being my real father and yet disciplining me (sometimes punishing me - getting grounded, getting a lengthy sermon, etc.) like I was his own child.
If Tom didn't leave, I wouldn't have Nonong for a dad. Would Tom had been a better father than Nonong? Would I have turned up the way I am today if fate had other plans aside from what passed?
I look at my husband and smile as I realise he is turning into his own father. I have fear, for my daughter and my husband's personalities are quite strong contrasts yet they share a fiery temperament that could only spell disaster, if not a 'telenovela-like' dramatic and explosive confrontations loom in the not so distant horizon. But I also have a sense of hope, my silver lining that my husband will be a good and caring father to my daughter no matter what. He will not do a Tom but would be more a Nonong or well, as my father-in-law is closely named, my husband will be a Nonoy (trust Filipinos with their funny names!).
It is not often that I stop and think about my fathers. But when I do, my computer screen suddenly looks hazy and I grab a wad of tissues to clear my snot-filled nose. I do so miss having a father, especially round Father's Day. To Tom and Nonong, wherever you guys are...I love you and will forever miss you in my heart.